Six Predictors of Marital Success and Happiness

I could easily state the same for my wife and I.

Great article. My husband and I read the list and gave each other a very cheesy, but warranted high five! This is our second marriage, but we feel blessed to have learned from our past. We knew that marriage wasn't easy, but we have found that it should not be that difficult either! We were cautious & chose wisely to ensure that we would create a partnership that would last a lifetime. He is my best friend. We share the same values, always consider the other's concerns before making decisions share our feelings even when it's not easy and laugh constantly.    

As Karen posted, I too have all of the predictors for divorce.  I blame myself in that I knew I would be "unequally yoked".  My husband was raised Catholic, but is not "practicing", and is not born again.  He was a 40 yr old bachelor who had never said the words "I love you" in a relationship before...it took him two years to say it to me, and I thought he meant it.  A year later he proposed, and another year later we were married.  We've now been married almost 7 years ( I was married before and have a now 19 yr old son from that marriage), and we're roommates, pure and simple.  We haven't been intimate in well over a year.  When I ask him if he loves me, I get silence.  Once he said that he doesn't think he even knows what love is.  I do know that ever since I gained weight due to a medical condition, I get no hugs, no kisses, no compliments.  We live mostly separate lives, except that he expects me to do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, clean the house.  He acts as if everything is ok, but it's anything but.  He's not abusive, nor is he the cheating type.  He's just happier being in a garage with his friends working on their projects than he is working on our house or spending time with me.  I never thought I'd be 43 and be so unhappily married.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage...but my heart is breaking.  It is so painful to not be wanted or loved by your husband.

Karen,

I know how you feel, at least a little bit. We were there. When we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary I wasn't even sure I wanted to be married still! My husband had a nice new diamond ring made for me and I didn't even know if I wanted to wear it or if I'd be tossing it out before long.

We were empty-nesters at that time too; active at church; ran a business together; had lots of friends. Everyone thought everything was ok. Finally I confided in a good friend that it wasn't all great. She encouraged me to talk to my husband, tell him truthfully how empty our marriage felt to me, and ask him if our marriage was worth some counseling sessions. She referred me to a good male Christian counselor. My husband agreed to see him.

The turn-around wasn't instant. It took time and a lot of hard work, a lot of honest soul-searching for both of us, a lot of repentance and seeking the Lord. But it was worth it. We are now on our way to 41 years. At our 40th anniversary we had a big party and renewed our vows. We are happier than we've ever been together. We are much more realistic in our expectations of each other, we are quicker to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. We are softer and kinder to each other. We are more in love. People see the difference. We want to be together forever and love spending time alone together doing simple things, just having fun. I Cor. 13 has become my guide in loving my husband.

I want to encourage you to speak with the Lord about how you're feeling. Then see if He would have you go to your husband and tell him gently how you feel. Consider asking him if your marriage is worth a few counseling sessions and a little time and energy. Above all, be gentle and respectful, pray and ask the Lord what to do and how to do it. I pray that your testimony in a few years will be greater than ours and that you will live the rest of your days serving the Lord together from a place of deep love and unity.

Five - Six years ago I was right where Karen is. I believe in a great  and mighty God who can move mountains so He can certainly repair a  marriage but, both parties have to want that and have to allow Him to  work.  I am now divorced - another woman at church  told me she  could appreciate him more than I could and he left one month before our  30th anniversary.  I was told that God told them they were  "soul-mates".  I was looking forward to finally getting the promised  years where the kids were grown and on their own and we could do all the  things that we couldn't do once children came along.  Our church had a  wonderful program called Hope for the Separated.   You need to sit down  and do research on what divorce will cost each of you - not just in  dollars and finances.  My broken family is now in 4 separate parts of  town.  Family events are stressful and usually  dreaded.  You think you  have moved on and then something happens and it all floods in again.  I  tell people over and over again....God hates divorce for a reason.  It  destroys instead of us relying on the Lord.  It is easier to walk away  but, right now the financial nightmare caused by divorce - I do not  think I will ever recover from it.  I get my footing financially and  then have another surprise from the ex's end that destroys over and over  again any chance I have of climbing out of this continuing nightmare.  Get help  but, to allow a 30 year marriage to just fade away is not the answer.   The kids are grown but, it still reaches into their lives and whittles  at their new families.  I hate what it has done to our testimony of How  Great our God is..........those who thought we were the perfect family -  - - - well, if we couldn't do it then why should they stay in a  marriage where they are not "happy". " If God cannot help them with  their marriage then why believe in Him at all." 

Wow!  These are very scary!  And, of course, we possess ALL of the predictors of divorce!  After 30+ years of marriage, I would never have thought that things could have gotten this bad.  On the outside looking in, everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage..we are extremely active in our church, he is a deacon and I teach Sunday School and everything else that goes on, we are the first there and the last to leave!  Sometimes I think church becomes before anything else in our marriage.  They know they can always count on us.  We are empty nesters so no kids to hold us back.  People say they are envious of our happy marriage......if they only knew.  We have not been intimate in over 2 years.  Wish we could start over but that is not possible at this point.  Wish I had these before we were married but back then, everything was perfect!