The Silent Epidemic of Parent-Child Estrangement

You may have seen the news that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is estranged from several members of his family – a heartbreaking story that sadly is becoming increasingly common.

In fact, Focus on the Family counselors speak every month with mothers and fathers whose adult children have cut them off from any meaningful relationship. A recent survey found that 38% of adults refuse to talk with at least one of their parents.

In most cases, the son or daughter weren’t abused or mistreated. In a great number of cases, it’s the adult child who has cut the ties, often abruptly and with little explanation. The estrangement often carries on for months and even years.

As you might expect, the reasons behind the conflicts and silence vary from major political and spiritual differences to minor unresolved issues that metastasize over time. A recent Wall Street Journal story found that therapists are increasingly counseling adult patients to keep their distance from their mothers and fathers for the good of their mental well-being.

This destigmatization and normalization of intentional alienation is contributing to its rise and devastating mothers and fathers. The presence of grandchildren adds another layer of heartache. In some cases, the disgruntled adult child might use the child as leverage or a torturous tactic akin to pouring salt in the wound.

Mothers and fathers aren’t perfect, of course, and there can be legitimate reasons for tension and the use of healthy boundaries between parents and adult children. It’s the wise parent that honestly and thoughtfully examines their actions, both past and current, in an effort to determine their responsibility. If there was any offense, they should apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then deliberately plot and plan a better way forward.

Our counselors acknowledge that if a case involves actual abuse or potential danger, adult children must protect themselves and the family members in their care. But in a great number of situations, if the adult child refuses to work through the issue, whether perceived or actual, our counselors offer the following guidance:

· Honor the boundaries your child (and, if married, their spouse) have set, no matter how harsh or unreasonable. If they’ve asked you not to call, don’t call. If you dismiss these boundaries, you’ll only end up validating their negative image of you.

· Guard your own heart. It would be easy to fall into depression and anxiety or to beat yourself up and blame yourself for matters beyond your control. Don’t fall into that trap. Don’t become bitter, and don’t believe lies about your own dignity as a person.

· Do whatever it takes to stay emotionally healthy and keep yourself psychologically safe in spite of the circumstances.

· If the situation allows for it – you know best if it does – send your child (and spouse) a card with a brief message expressing your love and goodwill a couple of times a year, perhaps on birthdays and at Christmas. It’s a small thing, but it will let them know that your hearts are still open toward them. Remember Romans 12:21 – “Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.” Look for opportunities to express your love in unobtrusive ways. And remain prayerful.

Focus on the Family has a staff of counselors available to speak with you over the phone. They can refer you to reputable and qualified Christian therapists in your area. They’d also be more than happy to discuss your concerns with you one-on-one. Call our Counseling department for a free consultation.