Transform Your Marriage By Facing Trauma Hand in Hand

Marriage is a beautiful gift from God. But every couple faces challenges, both internal and external, that threaten to tear them apart. Some of those challenges stem from cycles of childhood trauma that are carried into adulthood and repeated.

Speaker and counselor Dan Allender nearly repeated his own cycle of trauma while skiing with his family. His son became afraid of the run they’d chosen, which made Dan angry. When he started yelling at his son to participate, Dan’s wife, Becky, stepped between them and placed her hand over Dan’s heart. She gently said, “I know men have brought you heartache and humiliated you. I know what it has cost you. I also know that is not what you want to do to our son.” Becky’s intervention broke the cycle for Dan, who picked up his son and apologized.

Dr. Dan Allender is joining me on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to help you and your spouse learn to work through trauma together, so you can achieve true healing and unity.

He shares four weeds that arise out of trauma and that choke our marriages:

• A lack of delight.

• Loneliness.

• Contempt.

• Feeling stuck.

Our deepest longing is for someone to see us, to be attuned to us, and to respond to our emotional and physical needs. Attune means to “bring into harmony,” to “tune in” to another person and become aware of them and their feelings. When someone attunes to us, we develop security and safety.

Along with his wife, Dr. Dan Allender is the founder of The Allender Center at the Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. Hear my full conversation with Dr. Allender on your local radio station, online, on Apple Podcasts, or on our free phone app.

If your marriage is struggling and would like to speak with a counselor, call Focus on the Family for a free consultation. Leave your name and number, and they’ll get back with you as soon as possible. The number during business hours is 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

If you’re on the brink of divorce, our Hope Restored marriage intensives can go a long way toward facilitating healing between you and your spouse and restoring your relationship. The number for Hope Restored is 1-866-875-2915, or click here. The intensives take place in four locations:

• Branson, MO

• Greenville, MI

• Cave Creek, AZ

• Wimberley, TX

Dr. Dan Allender’s book (with his colleague Dr. Steve Call) The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight is available for a gift of any amount. For more information, click here or call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).