A few months ago, I ran a post about in-laws and the marriage relationship that really struck a chord in the Daly Focus community and resulted in good conversation in the comments section.
I’m reposting the piece today because it dovetails perfectly with today’s broadcast, “Establishing Healthy Boundaries with Your In-Laws (Part 1 of 2).” Our guests, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, share practical advice and encouragement for married couples, and talk about how a good in-law relationship can have a positive impact on marriage. If you can’t tune in when the broadcast airs in your neck of the woods, you can listen online.
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Do you get along with your in-laws?
According to a newly released study, men who are on good terms with their wives’ parents are more likely to enjoy a long-lasting marriage than those who struggle to get along with their in-laws.
Yet, researchers found that a wife’s relationship with her husband’s parents is a bit more complicated and less indicative of overall marital happiness.
Why the disparity?
Terri Orbuch, the study’s author, explained to a columnist with Salt Lake City’s Deseret News:
Orbuch says that when a man bonds with his in-laws, his wife gets the message that “your family is important to me because you’re important to me. I want to feel closer to them because I want to be closer to you.” Wives love that and marriages get a longevity bump.
But when the wife feels close to her in-laws, Orbuch sees two possible reasons things go the other way. First, in-law ties are more stressful to women, because it “interferes with and takes time away from bonding with the husband and her own family. Women like to analyze, work on and improve relationships. They think of in-law ties the same way,” Orbuch said. That time takes away from other things that strengthen bonds with the husband.
Because both of my parents died when I was young, I can only speak to how my relationship with Jean’s parents has positively impacted our marriage.
Jean’s mom and dad, Jerry and Pat, were married for over 58 years before Jerry’s passing just two years ago. Jerry was the first person to manufacture the concrete saw and was just a man’s man. We experienced many good times together, especially during our annual family retreats to Estes Park here in Colorado. Pat is now widowed and we continue to enjoy her company during trips to California. Neither Jerry nor Pat ever interfered in our marriage or with the raising of our boys. There was always a spirit of deference and mutual respect.
Movies and television regularly highlight in-law dysfunction and in some cases, justifiably so. We’ve all heard the stories of a meddling mother-in-law or a cranky or grumpy father-in-law. But is that the exception rather than the norm?
I hope you might take a moment to let me know about your relationship – past or present – with your in-laws. How have you navigated the challenges?
What are some of your memories of attempting to bridge and blend the generations?
And the bottom line: Have your in-laws had a positive or negative impact on your marriage?
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Ann says
-My husband and I met our senior year of highschool and have been married for five years now, and have three children. Unfortunately halfway through senior year things with his parents took a very dark turn and they were against our relationship. This caused my husband to leave home not long after graduating and move in with my parents and room with my younger brother until he started college in the fall. His parents kept their distance…at our wedding she told people we would never last. Three years later we had our son and she decided she wanted back in our lives, but still dislikes me and complains and speaks badly about me and my family. I have zero relationship with her and my husband’s relationship with her is civil and rather fake. She complains we keep her grandchildren from her, but I feel she shouldn’t be able to skip around myself and my husband just to get to our children.
Jane says
-My son went into the Navy years ago and met a girl in California, we live in NY. So he stayed out there, they have 3 kids together. They aren’t married but they’ve been together for 11 years.
The Girl he’s with acts very nice to our faces but talks very negatively and says rotten things to our son about us constantly. My son has a son here who’s 14 and when he goes to visit, he can’t stand the things she says about us. I’ve always felt she’ll be very happy when we’re dead.My grandson says as soon as we get off the phone with our son she starts belittling us. This makes me NOT like her at all. In fact I wish she’d dissappear. Lol I want to get along with her but it’s very hard for me to act like I like someone when I don’t. Any suggestions?