Daly Focus Blog
Do you remember all those times when your parents told you to “play fair”? Well, what if I told you – when it comes to marriage – don’t?
“Playing fair” is one of the worst things you can do to a relationship. It’s a big reason so many couples struggle to forgive their spouse when they make a mistake. “Fair” is all about keeping things even between two people – which sounds good in theory but doesn’t work so well in practice.
My wife, Jean, loves decorating for Christmas. If you step into our garage, you’ll notice an assortment of nearly 30 boxes and plastic bins in the rafters. They’re filled with all of the Christmas decorations we’ve accumulated over the decades. My part of the job begins Thanksgiving weekend. I pull everything down and haul it into the house, so Jean can do her thing. I love how beautiful our home looks when she’s done.
One year, I offered to help her.
One of the most exciting programs at Focus on the Family is our Hope Restored marriage intensives. For couples struggling in marriage, even those on the brink of divorce, Hope Restored goes a long way toward facilitating healing and bringing restoration to a broken relationship.
Just one example is Sadie and Bill. Bill’s marriage betrayal was so significant that Sadie held out little hope that their relationship could be saved. During their intensive counseling, Bill embraced his need for change and dug in to his relationship with the Lord.
Is your marriage in a rhythm? Or in a rut?
Three ruts are common to most relationships:
Seasonal ruts are positive marital rhythms that served you in a past season of marriage but are no longer helpful, such as conversation habits or work schedules.
Inherited ruts are negative rhythms you inherited and brought with you into your marriage. This includes conflict resolution or relationship expectations.
Cultural ruts are societal norms that don’t fit your relationship.
To break out of those ruts and find something deeper, more rewarding, and more meaningful in your relationship as a married couple, find ways to share adventure together, to serve one another, and to speak life to your spouse.
My wife, Jean, and I have been married for 38 years. For most of that time I’ve had the privilege of working at, and leading, Focus on the Family. Since our ministry’s inception, we have prioritized upholding God’s design for marriage.
Given that, you’d think I’d have this marriage thing down by now. But Jean will be the first to tell you (after I humbly admit it myself) that I’m still a husband in progress, hopefully becoming all that God desires of me.
My wife Jean and I have been married since 1986. One of the most important lessons about marriage I’ve learned in that time has been this: We’re different from one another, and that’s okay. But we’ve also learned that those differences have to be navigated carefully.
You and your spouse probably see the world through different eyes, too. You fall asleep to noise, but your spouse needs quiet. You’re a night owl, but your spouse enjoys mornings.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy. If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change on their own, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
You can’t change your spouse. So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are just two choices:
Stay and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Get out while you can and hope to find happiness somewhere down the line.
Dr. Gary Chapman says there’s a third option: With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, positively influence your marriage by creating possibilities for your spouse to change his or her behavior.
Theresa had a stroke 18 years ago. She lost control over her hands. Which means for all these years she’s struggled to do simple things in life, like styling her own hair. That’s why when she goes to the beauty salon, she leaves with a smile. She feels beautiful.
The trouble is, as soon as she washes her hair it falls flat, and she can’t get it to look the way her stylist does. Which means, until her next hair appointment comes around, Theresa doesn’t smile as much.
My wife and I approach recipes differently. Jean has a degree in biochemistry. She’s smart and sees life as a series of precisely calculated moves. To her, recipes are a detailed road map to be carefully followed. If the instructions call for one cup of flour, she’ll measure exactly one cup. She’ll even use a knife to scrape off the excess.
I’m more of a free spirit with recipes. I don’t see them as “a roadmap to follow” as much as “a few things to keep in mind.” I kinda, sorta measure ingredients, but not very carefully.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
