Daly Focus Blog
Do you remember when you were first married – how you and your spouse enjoyed endless conversation, had fun together every weekend, and always seemed to have time for one another?
Do you remember how all of that changed in the years after you became parents – how every moment seemed busy with sports practice, dentist appointments, and school programs?
Once a couple has children, it’s easy for the marriage to get pushed down the priority list.
If you made a list of all the bad things that you never thought would happen, what would you write down?
For some, picking up the broken pieces of your life and starting over again with a blended family might be at the top of that list.
This new chapter may have come about through death or divorce or some other circumstance, but the challenge is the same: how to overcome the difficulties common to blended families and give this new part of your life its best chance to thrive.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy.
If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
Dr. Gary Chapman never asks troubled couples, “Do you want to work on your marriage?” Wanting something is a function of the emotions, and emotions rely on desire to get things moving.
Instead, he asks, “Will you work on your marriage?” The will involves a commitment and a decision to act. If a couple can say “yes” to that question, then good things can happen with the right guidance.
Some couples are headed for a divorce because they don’t know how to resolve their conflict.
Every dating couple believes their marriage will be a string of mountaintop experiences.
In the early stages of a relationship, couples can’t imagine feeling discontent with their significant other. They can’t fathom their romance fading or their conversations not stretching into the wee hours of the night. And disagreements? What disagreements?
But once a couple is married, those expectations often hit speed bumps. There’s the monotony of work and paying bills week-in and week-out. There are stressors – a job loss, the death of a loved one, financial struggles, the birth of children.
Many couples contact Focus on the Family because they feel like married roommates. Their intimacy has faded, their relationship is no longer deepening, and they’re growing apart instead of becoming one.
Drifting in marriage happens when couples stop making their relationship a priority. After the fun of dating and the splendor of the wedding celebration, other things begin to distract husbands and wives from each other.
Spouses stop talking to one another about what they’re thinking and feeling.
Vicki Rose was sitting on the beach when she realized her life was crashing down around her. Up and down the coastline families played together, built sandcastles, splashed in the waves, and created memories.
Vicki sat there alone, sobbing. Her kids were hundreds of miles away with a babysitter. Her husband, Bill, was back in their hotel room, sick, trying to survive withdrawals from his drug addiction.
Vicki had once believed that marriage would offer her the love and care she’d always wanted, heal her childhood hurts, and fill up her emptiness.
The COVID-19 toll is often tallied and reported in terms of deaths, hospitalizations and overall cases of the virulent pathogen.
Yet, data is beginning to show that the tragic consequences of the year-long pandemic extend far beyond the physical and into the financial, emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions of our lives.
Here at Focus on the Family, our counselors report a steady uptick in calls from hurting individuals. In fact, it’s not just that we’re hearing from more people than usual – but that the challenges they’re sharing with us seem to be darker and more devastating than ever before.
I don’t cook dinner very often. I think Jean prefers it that way. Her degree is in biochemistry. Not only is she smart, but she naturally thinks in terms of precision. Recipes are to be followed. If the instructions call for one cup of flour, she’ll measure exactly one cup. She’ll even use a knife to scrape off the excess, so the amount is perfect. She’ll even add more if it’s not quite full.
As for me, well, let’s just say I’m a “free spirit.” Scraping away excess flour is a waste of time to me.
Every married couple faces an Everest – a mountain-sized struggle that can only be overcome by scaling the problem together. In Captain Harold and Rachel Earls’ case, the Everest was literal.
Harold was a cadet at West Point when he wrote his bucket list. The top two dreams were “get married” and “climb Mount Everest.”
In 2016, those dreams collided when Harold told his new bride of only a few months that he planned to travel to the other side of the world and climb the tallest – and most dangerous – mountain on earth.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
