Daly Focus Blog
Is there a secret to a happy marriage?
That’s a common question. It’s also a tough one.
On the one hand, who doesn’t want a happy marriage? Everyone walks down the aisle believing they’re committing themselves to a spouse who will fill their life with joy and fulfillment. On the other hand, when couples reach out to Focus on the Family, many are struggling because their marriage isn’t making them as happy as they thought it would.
Wonder Woman.
Batgirl.
Black Widow.
The Invisible Woman.
Wives.
What do all of these women have in common?
Well, they all can be strong and fierce in character. They’re all capable of having bold convictions and standing firmly behind their decisions. Really, the comparisons could go on and on.
There’s really only one difference: Fictional superheroines are esteemed because they stand on their own and lead their lives independent of men.
God never intended Christian wives to do the same.
Every couple walks down the aisle dreaming of love, romance, and a life of happiness together. In fact, our marriage team here at Focus reports that 93 percent of Americans say a happy marriage is one of their chief objectives in life.
And, yet, the statistics also show that a significant percentage of relationships will end in divorce, and about half of those will occur within the first seven years of marriage.
Why? How does the beauty and promise symbolized in a wedding ceremony deteriorate into a failed marriage and the ugly reality of divorce?
When you walked down the aisle, what was your vision for you and your spouse? Did you want a “nice” marriage?
A “friendly” marriage?
A “we get along” marriage?
Probably not.
Most couples are searching for intimacy, connection, romance, and excitement. But years into their marriage, many husbands and wives are bored. Life has settled into a routine – a rut, really – and they’re not connecting like they once did.
If you’ve reached that place in your marriage, you might be thinking, “This isn’t what I had in mind.” The good news is that’s not what the Bible says God has in mind for you, either.
How to spiritually connect with your spouse may be one of the most misunderstood concepts in marriage.
Couples tend to think in terms of spiritual activities they ought to dotogether: Read their Bible, pray, go to church together, memorize Scripture.
Certainly, those are important spiritual disciplines, and they fit the personality of a lot of people especially well. Some couples are so structured they treat devotions like mini-church. They gather together each night, read verses from the Bible, share their thoughts, and close in prayer for one another.
You can’t change your spouse.
Period.
So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are only two choices: “I can stay here and be miserable for the rest of my life, or I can get out of this and hope that I’ll find happiness somewhere else down the line.”
Dr. Gary Chapman says that’s a myth. There’s a third option: “With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, I can choose to positively influence my marriage in such a way that it creates the greatest possibility for my spouse to choose to change their behavior.”
The idea that you can change your spouse is a myth.
Did you know that researchers can predict with almost 95-percent accuracy whether a couple’s marriage will succeed or fail?
Their predictions are based on how a couple fights – not how frequently the couple fights or even what they fight about, but howcouples engage each other in conflict.
Researchers discovered four elements to marital conflict that are destructive to a relationship. Dr. John Gottman calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
Wouldn’t it be great if couples could avoid the Four Horsemen and use conflict to invigorate their marriage rather than allowing it to burn up their love life?
Let me ask you this: Which part of your marriage relationship do you believe will develop the deepest intimacy?
Here are your choices:
Sexuality
Emotions
Spiritual connection
They each have their place, of course, but all things considered, spiritual connection with your spouse will create a deeper, more meaningful connection than the other two areas.
Here’s why. The benefits of spiritual intimacy naturally spill over to the other two areas, but not necessarily the other way around.
Marriage is changing.
There are a lot of reasons for that, not the least of which are cultural forces, political maneuverings, and judicial rulings that have systematically redefined marriage in past years.
There’s also been a shift in the average age for first marriages. More and more young people are staying single for far longer than past generations. Some are choosing not to marry at all, in many cases as a reaction to seeing their own parents divorce.
Years ago, while working as a camp counselor, author Craig Jutila floated on a canoe to the center of the lake for a few quiet hours alone. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the water was completely still.
It was after hours, and no other boats were out. So he did the only sensible thing: With an extra life jacket for his pillow, he nestled in for a short nap.
An hour later, he woke up to the voices of strangers.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
