Daly Focus Blog
Some people believe the definition of marriage should be anything we want it to be. No exclusions. No boundaries.
The problem with that idea is the fabric of reality itself. Marriage was created to function within a particular design because it’s powerful – so powerful that we need guardrails to channel its influence.
To understand what I mean, consider the design of electrical cords on most of the lamps, TVs, and small appliances in your home.
When Jean and I were dating, I made a big mistake. I served her tea.
That may not sound like such a big deal to you, but I was wooing this girl. I wanted to marry her. On this particular occasion, however, everything nearly fell apart. I went all out. I packed a full picnic lunch, complete with a basket full of food, a blanket to sit on, and iced tea. I thought everything was perfect.
And it would have been, except she doesn’t like iced tea.
A lot of couples will be interested in my conversation with Dr. Juli Slattery on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Dr. Slattery is a clinical psychologist and the president of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry devoted to reclaiming God’s design for sexuality. Her book God, Sex, and Your Marriage served as the basis for our conversation.
She says few couples experience the intimacy that God intends for their marriage. Sexual problems are a hidden, shameful secret for many because they don’t know how to navigate their pain and frustration or even communicate about it effectively.
Do you remember all those times when your parents told you to “play fair”? Well, what if I told you – when it comes to marriage – don’t?
“Playing fair” is one of the worst things you can do to a relationship. It’s a big reason so many couples struggle to forgive their spouse when they make a mistake. “Fair” is all about keeping things even between two people – which sounds good in theory but doesn’t work so well in practice.
My wife, Jean, loves decorating for Christmas. If you step into our garage, you’ll notice an assortment of nearly 30 boxes and plastic bins in the rafters. They’re filled with all of the Christmas decorations we’ve accumulated over the decades. My part of the job begins Thanksgiving weekend. I pull everything down and haul it into the house, so Jean can do her thing. I love how beautiful our home looks when she’s done.
One year, I offered to help her.
One of the most exciting programs at Focus on the Family is our Hope Restored marriage intensives. For couples struggling in marriage, even those on the brink of divorce, Hope Restored goes a long way toward facilitating healing and bringing restoration to a broken relationship.
Just one example is Sadie and Bill. Bill’s marriage betrayal was so significant that Sadie held out little hope that their relationship could be saved. During their intensive counseling, Bill embraced his need for change and dug in to his relationship with the Lord.
Is your marriage in a rhythm? Or in a rut?
Three ruts are common to most relationships:
Seasonal ruts are positive marital rhythms that served you in a past season of marriage but are no longer helpful, such as conversation habits or work schedules.
Inherited ruts are negative rhythms you inherited and brought with you into your marriage. This includes conflict resolution or relationship expectations.
Cultural ruts are societal norms that don’t fit your relationship.
To break out of those ruts and find something deeper, more rewarding, and more meaningful in your relationship as a married couple, find ways to share adventure together, to serve one another, and to speak life to your spouse.
My wife, Jean, and I have been married for 38 years. For most of that time I’ve had the privilege of working at, and leading, Focus on the Family. Since our ministry’s inception, we have prioritized upholding God’s design for marriage.
Given that, you’d think I’d have this marriage thing down by now. But Jean will be the first to tell you (after I humbly admit it myself) that I’m still a husband in progress, hopefully becoming all that God desires of me.
My wife Jean and I have been married since 1986. One of the most important lessons about marriage I’ve learned in that time has been this: We’re different from one another, and that’s okay. But we’ve also learned that those differences have to be navigated carefully.
You and your spouse probably see the world through different eyes, too. You fall asleep to noise, but your spouse needs quiet. You’re a night owl, but your spouse enjoys mornings.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy. If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change on their own, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
