Daly Focus Blog
Author Gary Thomas thought he had a pretty good marriage. Then God reminded him of the pledge he’d made to his wife at their wedding, a pledge you probably made as well if you used traditional vows.
It’s this: “I promise to love and to cherish you until death do us part.” Gary now admits that the moment he said those words at the altar was the last time he considered the word “cherish” in terms of his marriage.
When Jean and I first entered premarital counseling, we knew that we were meant for each other. We enjoyed most of the same things and were alike in almost every way.When we finished our last session a week later, that had all changed. We were both thinking, “Wow, we are nothing alike!” And we were wondering, “Are we going to be okay?”
At some point, every couple recognizes their differences, and something strange happens when they do: The whole idea of “two becoming one” gets turned into, “My spouse should become more like me.”
When author and blogger Melanie Shankle realized how different she and her husband were, she had a revelation.
I have an outstanding set of tools in my garage. My brother and brothers-in-law are jealous of my collection. I have hammers, a circular saw, a miter saw, a router … everything I need for a decent workshop.
The trouble is, I’m not much of a handyman. That circular saw … I’ve never used it. And the router? I’m not entirely sure what it’s for. I never really learned how to use all of those tools.
Do you believe that God can save a marriage – any marriage?
Patricia Ashley didn’t always think so. At one time, her marriage to Vernon was dead. She says, “I didn’t love my husband. I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t glad to see him come. I wasn’t glad to see him go. It didn’t make a difference what time he came in or if he came in at all. It was dead.”
They were isolated from each other.
In 2021, it’s more common for young adults to live with a boyfriend or a girlfriend than to be married.
One of the main reasons for this (for non-believers and believers alike) is the desire to be certain that the relationship is rooted in love. After all, you don’t buy a car without first test driving it. Why wouldn’t you take a relationship for a spin before making a lifetime commitment?
Perhaps the best reason to avoid cohabitation is that the data suggests that doing so significantly increases the possibility that a relationship will end badly.
Do you remember when you were first married – how you and your spouse enjoyed endless conversation, had fun together every weekend, and always seemed to have time for one another?
Do you remember how all of that changed in the years after you became parents – how every moment seemed busy with sports practice, dentist appointments, and school programs?
Once a couple has children, it’s easy for the marriage to get pushed down the priority list.
If you made a list of all the bad things that you never thought would happen, what would you write down?
For some, picking up the broken pieces of your life and starting over again with a blended family might be at the top of that list.
This new chapter may have come about through death or divorce or some other circumstance, but the challenge is the same: how to overcome the difficulties common to blended families and give this new part of your life its best chance to thrive.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy.
If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
Dr. Gary Chapman never asks troubled couples, “Do you want to work on your marriage?” Wanting something is a function of the emotions, and emotions rely on desire to get things moving.
Instead, he asks, “Will you work on your marriage?” The will involves a commitment and a decision to act. If a couple can say “yes” to that question, then good things can happen with the right guidance.
Some couples are headed for a divorce because they don’t know how to resolve their conflict.
Every dating couple believes their marriage will be a string of mountaintop experiences.
In the early stages of a relationship, couples can’t imagine feeling discontent with their significant other. They can’t fathom their romance fading or their conversations not stretching into the wee hours of the night. And disagreements? What disagreements?
But once a couple is married, those expectations often hit speed bumps. There’s the monotony of work and paying bills week-in and week-out. There are stressors – a job loss, the death of a loved one, financial struggles, the birth of children.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
