Daly Focus Blog
Lucille Williams was washing vomit out of her clothes when she thought, “This is marriage.”
She was on her honeymoon with her husband, Mike. It was the last night of their cruise, and they were enjoying a final dinner with friends they’d made that week. Suddenly, an unexpected bout of sea sickness hit Mike, and he began vomiting uncontrollably. Their dinner guests scrambled to get out of the way, but it was too late for Lucille.
Marriage is central to what we do here at Focus on the Family.
We believe that marriage is the foundation of the family. We also believe that God’s design for marriage is a relationship where both husband and wife are committed to loving and caring for one another for a lifetime.
The problem is, men and women are selfish creatures, and their selfishness comes out in all kinds of unhealthy ways. One of the most devastating aberrations is an affair.
Are you an avoider?
A pleaser?
How about a chaotic or a vacillator?
Those are four of the five the love styles you and your spouse likely see in your marriage. Their various combinations describe the core patterns driving a couple’s interactions and the problems they cause.
Avoiders and pleasers don’t experience much conflict, but for all the wrong reasons. Avoiders don’t like to have honest conversations because they get messy, and pleasers worry their spouse will get mad.
Do you ever waste time with your spouse?
That may seem like an odd question. But your answer will get to the heart of what your relationship with your spouse is all about.
You see, some couples don’t do too well with “wasting” time with one another. Simply being together with no particular agenda and nothing to focus their attention on except their spouse is uncomfortable.
In other words, they have a hard time with intimacy.
“For a good time, call HOME!”
That should be a bumper sticker. It’s actually pastor Ted Cunningham’s encouragement to men and women to invest in their marriage.
He says you get out of your relationship what you put into it. That means enjoying life and marriage is a decision – a choice you make – not merely an outcome or something you wait for. Compatibility is something you create by choosing to invest your time and resources into your relationship.
Two days after Jocelyn Green and her husband married, the military relocated them from Washington, D.C. to Alaska. A few weeks later – on their one-month anniversary, in fact – her husband kissed her goodbye and left for deployment.
Military couples can relate to the uncertainty and stress deployment causes. They can also identify with the challenges the Greens faced once they reunited. Jocelyn and her husband expected their reunion to feel like a second honeymoon.
Brad Rhoads didn’t think he had a problem with his marriage. He was putting a lot of energy and creativity into building a law practice. His clients and colleagues all thought he was attentive and engaged.
Not his wife, Marilyn. She thought Brad invested so much of his energy into his work that he had nothing left to invest in his marriage.
There was no affair, no huge blow-up. But Brad had taken his eyes off the Lord and his wife, and their relationship was suffering a slow leak.
According to some reports, Americans spent $72 billion on wedding ceremonies last year. That puts the average cost in the neighborhood of $30,000 per ceremony.
By contrast, most married couples will never invest a fraction of that amount into the marriage itself.
A successful marriage isn’t the by-product of an extravagant ceremony or an expensive honeymoon. If that were the case, celebrities would routinely set the standard for strong, healthy marriages.
A happy, fulfilling marriage isn’t about the big day, it’s about the every day.
When you first got married, did you assume your relationship with your spouse would remain pretty much the same from year to year? Many couples do. That’s probably why so many wind up shocked and utterly confused when life around them changes … and their marriage along with it.
According to our guests on today’s program, relationship experts Bill and Pam Farrel, the key is to recognize that changes are coming – probably sooner than we think – and to prepare for them.
Is it possible to change your husband?
Well, yes and no.
Researcher John Gottman says that around 60 percent of the dynamics in a marriage will never change. When you marry somebody, you’re marrying them essentially as they are. A person who’s perpetually late may never care if they’re on time. A neat-freak will never feel comfortable with clutter.
Author Gary Thomas says that still leaves 40 percent for a relationship to grow, and for spouses to learn to approach their marriage in different ways.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
