Daly Focus Blog
Would you like a happier marriage? If so, then you have a choice to make.
In fact, you have seven choices to make.
According to studies, couples disagree almost 2,500 times per year, which averages out to seven times a day. That’s seven opportunities every day to drive your relationship further apart. Or to draw it closer together. Which one depends on you. Literally. You get to choose.
You see, a lot of couples fall prey to the myth that their conflict is the result of their differences.
The secret to success isn’t avoiding failure. It’s learning from your mistakes and continuing to move forward.
The television series Alone is a survival competition where participants survive alone in the wilderness for as long as possible. Contestants are given minimal equipment and must build their own shelters, start their own fires, and find their own food. The physical demands are brutal.
One of the contestants, Colter Barnes, lost 86 pounds over 67 days in the wild and had to be medically evacuated.
Why did you get married?
For your spouse?
Or for yourself?
Be honest. You got married because the relationship made you happy.
Don’t feel too guilty. The rest of us probably did the same thing. We thought life with this person would make our lives better. And while that’s not entirely selfish – God wants us to enjoy our marriage to our spouse, after all – many couples spend their first years of marriage chasing individual interests.
I’m reminded of a story about a hunter who owned an unusual bird dog. While other dogs barked, pointed, and fetched birds, this one walked on water. The hunter was so excited to show off his dog’s remarkable ability that he invited his friend on a hunting trip. Each time they shot a duck, the dog ran across the top of the water and fetched the bird.
For hours, the two men hunted. Yet, the friend never commented about the dog’s unusual ability.
Dating has changed dramatically over the decades, even within the Christian community. It used to be a slower process. Young adults took a deliberate approach to creating healthy relationships and seeking God’s will for marriage.
These days, everything is fast paced, driven by a culture that prioritizes instant gratification. Dating becomes a recreational activity instead of an opportunity to build a meaningful connection that endures across time and struggle.
Authors and married couple Safa and Tovares Grey believe dating is an opportunity for single adults to develop the character they’ll need to be godly partners in marriage.
How do you connect spiritually with your spouse?
Some couples are so structured that their devotions are like mini-church. They gather together each night, read from the Bible, and hold hands while praying.
That’s not very realistic for most of us. At least, not very often. We live at a fast pace. Connection happens on the move while we’re getting the kids to school or off to Little League practice. It’s not until late in the evening that we’re settled enough to have meaningful conversation.
Is there a secret to a happy marriage?
That’s a tough question to answer.
Every couple wants there to be a secret. They walk down the aisle believing they’re committing themselves to a person who will fill their life with joy and fulfillment. And yet, many of these couples reach out to Focus on the Family, struggling because their marriage isn’t making them as happy as they expected. And they’re often surprised to learn that the secret to happiness isn’t luck or good chemistry.
Our culture loves to talk about love. It’s a central theme in music, movies, and books. Love is so important to the human experience that we spend most of our lives seeking the love we want or cultivating the love we have.
But what is love?
A lot of people talk about love in terms of good feelings. It’s the euphoria we feel when we’re dating or planning a wedding. It’s wholehearted approval of ideas within the culture even though they differ from what we believe.
Most of us have been angry enough to say something spiteful. But a man named Charles Froling got so angry that he built an entire house to express his spite.
In 1908, Charles inherited a patch of land from a relative in Alameda, California. He planned to build a home there, but the city refused to grant him permission. Instead, they appropriated most of his land, so they could build a new city road. Charles appealed to his neighbor for help, but his neighbor was afraid that the city would take his property, too, so he chose not to get involved.
If marriage makes the headlines these days it’s usually for negative reasons, such as a recent survey indicating that while eighty-three percent of young people would like to get married someday, eighty-five percent of them think an official union isn’t necessary to “have a fulfilling and committed relationship.”
According to official statistics, marriage rates have dropped 60 percent over the last fifty years, and those cohabitating have risen exponentially. Not surprisingly, singleness is also going up.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
