Every one of us is wired for connection. From our earliest relationships with our parents and siblings, we learn that we need emotional nourishment as much as we need food and water.
It’s also in our formative years that we learn how we connect with others. Patterns begin to emerge that determine how we offer and receive love. Understanding those “love styles” is important because we carry them into our relationship with our spouse.
God’s desire is for us to develop a secure style of attachment; that is, to learn to offer and receive love that is present, unconditional, and sacrificial.
But what if we didn’t learn to love that way?
Author Kevin Thompson, my guest on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, says that regardless of our current love style, we can develop a more secure connection with our spouse.
Keven describes four love styles that define how we emotionally connect with others:
• Secure Attachment. Gives and receives love. Resolves conflict. Seeks connection with others.
• Anxious Attachment. Clings to others. Fears abandonment. Craves reassurance. Believes, “I’m not enough for someone to love me,” “Others will leave me,” or “I must try harder to be lovable.”
• Avoidant Attachment. Withdraws. Values independence. Avoids emotion. Believes, “I am alone and must take care of myself,” “Needing others is weak or dangerous,” or “If I let someone get close, I will be engulfed or be hurt.”
• Disorganized Attachment. Unpredictable. A push-pull desire to connect. Often tied to trauma. Believes, “I want to be close, but I don’t feel safe,” “Love is unpredictable and possibly dangerous,” or “If I don’t control others, I’ll be controlled.”
Kevin also shares this good news: attachment styles aren’t a strict, defining label from which there is no change. They simply represent our default pattern – and patterns can change.
How do we do that?
Hear my full conversation about that with Kevin Thompson on your local radio station, online, on Apple Podcasts, or take us with you on our free phone app. Kevin is the married life pastor at Bayside Church in Roseville, CA, and will help you better understand attachment theory and discover how, regardless of your current love style, you can nurture a more secure connection with others, particularly your spouse.
Kevin Thompson’s book Love Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do and How to Change It is available for a gift of any amount. For more information, click here or call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
And while you’re online, why not take a few moments to try our free Marriage Assessment online tool? It will help you quickly determine what’s working well in your relationship and identify areas where you may need some improvement.
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