Lisa and Theo made an appointment with counselor Debra Fileta to discuss their marriage because Lisa didn’t understand why Theo wouldn’t emotionally open up to her. She interpreted his behavior as evidence that he didn’t really love her.
Debra saw something different. She recognized Theo’s behavior as a deficit of skill, not love. He loved Lisa but lacked the tools he needed to express it.
Debra sees similar trouble in a lot of relationships. Couples lack a practical understanding of how to allow God’s love to flow through them toward the people closest to them. This is often because we critique others instead of ourselves. As Matthew 7:3-5, says, we notice the specks in the eyes of others but not the plank in our own.
When Debra shares her ideas for better communication with couples, almost all of them say, “I know someone who needs to hear this.” Rarely does anyone say, “I need to hear this.”
Looking at troubles in our relationships and admitting, “I’m the problem,” takes self-awareness and humility, which is not natural to our human nature. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve both say, “I’m not the problem. It’s the other one!”
How do we learn to take a hard look in the mirror to better our relationship?
Debra Fileta is joining me on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to equip you with practical tools for better communication, self-awareness, and, ultimately, relational health.
She explores several themes:
• The ingredients that comprise “people skills.”
• How to improve your communication through body language.
• Is your social temperature hot or cold?
• How to navigate social anxiety.
• Four communication styles: passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, and assertive.
• How to listen intentionally.
And much more! Hear my full conversation with Debra Fileta on your local radio station, online, on Apple Podcasts, or take us with you on our free phone app.
If poor communication has been detrimental to your marriage and you need someone to talk to, we have caring, Christian counselors who will listen, pray with you, and get you on a path toward healing and hope. They’ll also direct you to additional resources in your area if necessary. Call us, leave your name and number, and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible. The number during business hours is 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
I’d also like to extend an invitation for you to become a special partner with us through our monthly “Friends of Focus on the Family” program. When you do, I’ll send you a copy of Debra Fileta’s book People Skills: Your Relationships Are Only as Strong as Your Skills as a way of saying thank you for touching others with the love of Christ. You’ll also receive member-exclusive benefits, such as free shipping and free resources. To make your pledge, or for more information, click here or call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
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