Daly Focus Blog
A lot of women enter marriage with high expectations. They expect connection, conversation, and intimacy with their husbands.
But when the intensity of that initial romance fades – as it always does – some wives begin to wonder, “Did I marry the wrong man?”
Dr. Juli Slattery’s answer to that question is: “The secret of intimacy in marriage is not finding a hero to be your husband but finding the hero in your husband.”
To achieve that, Dr.
Traditional marriage vows say, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.”
When Jean and I got married, we assumed that life would mostly be “better, richer, and healthier.” While life with each other has been wonderful, we’ve encountered challenges along the way.
That should come as no surprise. Every marriage passes through some kind of relational storm: in-law issues, financial conflict, baggage from the past. The possibilities are endless.
Married couples are designed for intimacy. Yet, like Adam and Eve in the garden, they often hide from God and each other.
Some couples pretend their relationship is healthier than it is because it feels safer than risking exposure and shame. Hiding feels safer in the moment.
But long-term, it has the opposite effect. Instead of feeling more loved, we feel more lost. Instead of feeling more accepted, we feel more alone.
What’s a good way for couples to break out of isolation and connect with each other?
Lucille Williams was washing vomit out of her clothes when a thought occurred to her: “This is marriage.”
She was on the last night of her honeymoon cruise with her husband, Mike, and they were enjoying a final dinner with new friends they’d made that week. Suddenly, an unexpected bout of sea sickness hit Mike, and he began vomiting uncontrollably. Their dinner guests scrambled out of the way, but it was too late for Lucille, who ended up with Mike’s disgusting mess splashed all over her.
When you hear the term “controlling spouse,” you might picture the stereotypical angry husband who barks orders and intimidates his wife through verbal and physical abuse.
Although some men control like that, some control more subtly. They’re not malicious and may not even be aware how their behavior is affecting their family.
Either way, the result is the same: the spouse feels frustrated, powerless, and alone in marriage. Even in loving, Christian relationships, manipulation, anxiety, and fear can lead to unhealthy forms of control between a husband and wife.
The permanence of marriage is one of our foundational principles here at Focus on the Family. We believe that marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God that benefits not only husbands and wives, but society as a whole.
That’s biblical. Matthew 19:5-6 says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh … what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
That said, we acknowledge that we live in a world that’s broken by sin, where the potential always exists for marriages to self-destruct because one or both spouses walk away from their commitment and aren’t willing to restore the relationship.
Do you remember when you and your spouse first fell in love?
Did your heart start fluttering? Did your hands get cold and clammy? Did simply thinking about that special person make you smile? It was a time in your relationship when everything felt new, fresh, and alive.
But then, it happened. At some point after the splendor of your wedding ceremony, life settled into a daily grind of activity. Careers were chased. Children were born.
Marriages everywhere are at risk because of one of the most powerful drugs known to man: infatuation.
You may not consider infatuation a drug, but author and psychologist Dave Carder, who has spent 30 years studying the causes of infidelity, says infatuation is as powerful as any substance out there.
Infatuated people do crazy things. They make irrational decisions and ignore how their choices impact everyone else. They behave like they’re under the influence of a mind-altering substance – because they are.
No word defines marriage quite like the word love. But what is love, really? Is it simply an emotion we feel? Or is it something deeper?
In some ways, it’s no surprise that we struggle to understand love. The word we use has become such a generic term that the richness of its meaning is often lost. That’s because in English there’s one word for love with a full spectrum of nuance. You can say, “I love my spouse,” and in the next breath say, “I love potato chips.” Same word.
What kind of “sex-pectations” do you and your spouse have?
In the book Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life, co-authors Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta define “sex-pectations” as beliefs about sex that couples have going into marriage.
Those expectations can often be unhealthy, shaped more by Hollywood than God’s Word. Aligning expectations with reality can be challenging for a couple. A great place to start is adopting a biblical perspective of sex and understanding the benefits of a healthy sex life to a couple’s relationship.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
