Daly Focus Blog
Is it possible for wives to change their husbands?
The answer to that is yes. And no.
Researcher John Gottman says that 60% of what characterizes a marriage will never change. That means you marry your spouse essentially “as is.” A person who’s perpetually late may never be on time. And a neat freak will likely never feel comfortable with dust and clutter.
Still, that leaves couples with 40% of their marriage that can be molded and shaped.
If you’re dating, I’d like to share a few important qualities to look for in a mate. Whatever else you may hope to find in a person, these three qualities are a must if you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
First, you want a person who respects boundaries. When you ask them not to call late at night, do they honor that request, or do they call anyway? Do they act possessive when you spend time with other people, like family and friends?
It’s a sad reality that many kids grow up going to Sunday school, church, and youth group and still leave home believing Christianity is a list of dos and don’ts. Somehow, the core message of the Gospel doesn’t break through.
One solution is to read the Bible with your children. Many parents want to, but it can be daunting. Kids have short attention spans, and Mom and Dad are exhausted from busy schedules.
So what do you do?
I had the privilege of being in France yesterday as the country observed the 80th anniversary of the Normandy invasion on D-Day. It was a sobering and inspiring experience.
If you’ve seen the coverage on TV, you know that many world leaders were on hand, represented at ceremonies at Normandy and elsewhere: President Biden, French President Emanuel Macron, German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, Britain’s King Charles III, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky among them.
You’re probably running a lot of directions at high speed. You’re so busy that even after your workday ends, there’s more work to be done. Somebody has to pick up the kids from soccer practice and run to the store for groceries. After that, you still have to get home and make dinner, which can take a couple of hours once you cook, eat and clean up the mess.
Who’s got time for that?
Hiring a chef or buying pre-packaged dinners can be expensive.
Ten minutes. That’s all it takes to turn your marriage around.
Sound too easy? Widely respected marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman has published research that shows unhappy couples can dramatically change their relationship if they’ll devote at least ten minutes throughout the day to one another.
It’s what happens in those ten minutes that the magic happens. It’s where couples “turn toward” one another. That means couples shift their focus away from work, kids, and other distractions of the day and turn their attention toward their spouse.
People who aren’t religious typically share a common belief: They only trust in tangible things that can be physically detected. That sounds reasonable until you realize how much of reality exists outside our ability to perceive it.
Let me give you an example. Scientists talk about a thing called Absolute Zero. That’s the temperature at which all heat in a system is completely gone – so cold that even atoms become fully motionless. Absolute Zero is a whopping 460 degrees below zero.
My friend Rob Parsons tells the story of a couple whose daughter disappeared from home in a fit of rebellion on her 18th birthday. Her parents were devastated. For years, they didn’t know if she was alive or dead.
Early on, her mother made a simple decision. Every night she would turn on the porch light and leave it on all night. It was an unspoken message to her daughter: “You’re always welcome home.”
Many nights, tears streamed down the mother’s face as she locked the front door, switched on the light, and prayed for her daughter.
One of the keys to a great marriage is thoughtful, intentional communication. The words you use, the way you speak, your body language and how you listen and respond will either build up your relationship or tear it down.
While strong communication is important for both spouses, husbands often need extra help developing this skill. Author Ryan Frederick is joining me on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to help husbands love their wives well through good communication habits.
Both of my boys had colic as infants. On a good night, they might only sleep for a couple of hours at a time. Jean and I tried everything to get them to rest, including placing them on top of our clothes dryer, hoping the movement would calm them. Other nights, I would drive Trent – and two years later, Troy – around the neighborhood at two o’clock in the morning. But every time, as soon as I brought them home and lay them down – boom!
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
