Daly Focus Blog
Every couple hopes for a good marriage, but wishful thinking isn’t enough to sustain a relationship when life gets hard. For that, you need a vow.
One of the most beautiful examples I’ve witnessed of a couple who honored their marriage vows is my friends, Don and Barbara Hodel. Don spent his career in Washington, D.C. alongside some of the most powerful people in the world, even serving for a time under President Ronald Reagan. Don and Barbara seemed to have it all.
For a stronger marriage, ask yourself, “What’s my EQ?”
Your IQ is a measure of your intelligence. Your EQ is a measure of your “emotional intelligence.”
The term “EQ” was coined in 1995 by Daniel Goleman, who first applied the concept to businessmen and businesswomen. As he defined it, emotional intelligence is the degree to which you are able to make healthy relational choices based on your understanding of your emotions and the emotions of those around you.
Is it possible for wives to change their husbands?
The answer to that is yes. And no.
Researcher John Gottman says that 60% of what characterizes a marriage will never change. That means you marry your spouse essentially “as is.” A person who’s perpetually late may never be on time. And a neat freak will likely never feel comfortable with dust and clutter.
Still, that leaves couples with 40% of their marriage that can be molded and shaped.
If you’re dating, I’d like to share a few important qualities to look for in a mate. Whatever else you may hope to find in a person, these three qualities are a must if you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
First, you want a person who respects boundaries. When you ask them not to call late at night, do they honor that request, or do they call anyway? Do they act possessive when you spend time with other people, like family and friends?
Ten minutes. That’s all it takes to turn your marriage around.
Sound too easy? Widely respected marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman has published research that shows unhappy couples can dramatically change their relationship if they’ll devote at least ten minutes throughout the day to one another.
It’s what happens in those ten minutes that the magic happens. It’s where couples “turn toward” one another. That means couples shift their focus away from work, kids, and other distractions of the day and turn their attention toward their spouse.
One of the keys to a great marriage is thoughtful, intentional communication. The words you use, the way you speak, your body language and how you listen and respond will either build up your relationship or tear it down.
While strong communication is important for both spouses, husbands often need extra help developing this skill. Author Ryan Frederick is joining me on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to help husbands love their wives well through good communication habits.
Darryl Strawberry had it all. Talent. Money. Success. Fame. He had been a power-hitting, eight-time Major League All-Star who earned four World Series championships in 17 seasons with teams like the New York Mets and the New York Yankees. Then his career and his life were derailed by substance abuse and prison time. He lost two marriages, was estranged from his children, and was $3,000,000 in debt.
When Darryl met Tracy – in recovery – she was also in a bad place.
“Mayday! Mayday!”
You recognize that distress call, don’t you? Even children understand what it means. The fact that they do reveals two important ingredients to effective communication. Simplicity and clarity.
The “mayday” distress code was created in 1923 by Frederick Mockford, an airport radio officer in London, after his boss challenged him to devise a distress code that could be understood by pilots and ground staff in an emergency. Because much of the air traffic at the time was between London and Paris, Mockford proposed the expression “mayday.” It was easy to say, and it sounded like the French term for “help me.” “Mayday” communicates so well that it’s still used all over the world.
You don’t have to be married for long to know how tough sleeping together can be. And I don’t mean that kind of “sleeping together.” I mean actual sleep. Getting some shut-eye.
Who can sleep with all of that loud snoring, blanket stealing, tossing and turning, and bad breath? And don’t forget the inevitable tug-of-war between early-birds and night-owls. It’s no wonder so many of us are tired and cranky. Even the Center for Disease Control and Prevention says a large segment of the population suffers from a lack of sleep. In fact, they call it a “public health problem.”
With so many complications, why should married couples sleep in the same bed?
What “season” is it for your marriage? Is it summer because things between you and your spouse are sizzling? Or is it winter because things feel a bit chilly?
Like many couples, when Jean and I first got married, we enjoyed being together every chance we could. In those early years, it was easy for us to think, “We’ll always feel this way.”
However, we soon discovered that relationships are like the weather – they change.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
