Daly Focus Blog
My wife, Jean, and I have been married for 38 years. For most of that time I’ve had the privilege of working at, and leading, Focus on the Family. Since our ministry’s inception, we have prioritized upholding God’s design for marriage.
Given that, you’d think I’d have this marriage thing down by now. But Jean will be the first to tell you (after I humbly admit it myself) that I’m still a husband in progress, hopefully becoming all that God desires of me.
My wife Jean and I have been married since 1986. One of the most important lessons about marriage I’ve learned in that time has been this: We’re different from one another, and that’s okay. But we’ve also learned that those differences have to be navigated carefully.
You and your spouse probably see the world through different eyes, too. You fall asleep to noise, but your spouse needs quiet. You’re a night owl, but your spouse enjoys mornings.
How big is your marriage’s “joy gap”?
Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey, authors of the book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, describe a “joy gap” as the length of time between moments of joy. If you apply that unit of measurement to your marriage, how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months?
Your joy gap can be especially lengthy if you’re waiting for your circumstances to change on their own, for your spouse to make you joyful, or for God to zap you with joy.
You can’t change your spouse. So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are just two choices:
Stay and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Get out while you can and hope to find happiness somewhere down the line.
Dr. Gary Chapman says there’s a third option: With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, positively influence your marriage by creating possibilities for your spouse to change his or her behavior.
Theresa had a stroke 18 years ago. She lost control over her hands. Which means for all these years she’s struggled to do simple things in life, like styling her own hair. That’s why when she goes to the beauty salon, she leaves with a smile. She feels beautiful.
The trouble is, as soon as she washes her hair it falls flat, and she can’t get it to look the way her stylist does. Which means, until her next hair appointment comes around, Theresa doesn’t smile as much.
My wife and I approach recipes differently. Jean has a degree in biochemistry. She’s smart and sees life as a series of precisely calculated moves. To her, recipes are a detailed road map to be carefully followed. If the instructions call for one cup of flour, she’ll measure exactly one cup. She’ll even use a knife to scrape off the excess.
I’m more of a free spirit with recipes. I don’t see them as “a roadmap to follow” as much as “a few things to keep in mind.” I kinda, sorta measure ingredients, but not very carefully.
Here’s a tip for a great marriage: have a hearty relationship agreement.
Relationship agreements were a funny plot line in the hit television show The Big Bang Theory. The lead character is Dr. Sheldon Cooper, a brilliant physicist who is so analytical that his personality and social habits are nearly robotic. In one episode, he enters into a romantic relationship with fellow academic, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. But because Sheldon disregards human emotion in favor of logic and reason, he creates a relationship agreement – a very detailed relationship agreement.
I don’t think I’m overstating things when I say that most men have trouble opening up emotionally. Guys put up walls around their feelings for lots of reasons, but the consequence is always the same. They’re disconnected from deeper, more meaningful experiences with their spouse, children, and friends.
Men don’t usually use the word “disconnected” to describe themselves (we prefer descriptors like “lone wolf” or the “strong, silent type”), but as Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” A disconnected man is one who is unaware that he is nonrelational, distant, and emotionally unavailable.
Ron and Opal Erickson call themselves “musicianaires.” Ron is an accomplished steel guitarist, and Opal is an accomplished vocalist. They’ve made beautiful music together for over 40 years, not only as musicians but as a couple.
But they only achieved that because they’ve rebuilt their marriage out of the rubble of a relationship that seemed irreparably broken. Through God’s grace and wisdom, they survived adultery, rejection, and betrayal and created a new marriage forged in trust, love, and grace.
“It’s just like an American to think you invented the family.”
That’s what Dr. Lilian Wahomey, a psychologist in Kenya, jokingly said to me years ago. We were exploring ways Focus on the Family could come alongside families in Africa. Since that conversation, I’ve been to more than 70 countries, but at the time I hadn’t done much international travel, so I wondered if the needs of American couples differed from couples around the world.
So I asked Dr.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
