Daly Focus Blog
Are you a clam or a crowbar?
That’s an analogy Dr. David Clarke uses to help husbands and wives understand how their poor communication skills have landed them in his counseling office.
In almost every marriage, there’s a clam. The percentages suggest it’s usually men, but it can be women, too.
In either case, clams are the ones who don’t naturally talk on an emotionally deep level. They clam up. But every time they do, their spouses break out a crowbar to pry them open.
Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs were married for ten years … the first time.
Their life together started perfectly. They moved to Los Angeles in their mid-twenties and were living the California lifestyle. They were successful at their jobs, they made a lot of money, and they even had an ocean-front home with all of the right stuff to fill it.
But for Cheryl, marriage was empty.
She thought the lack of intimacy between her and Jeff would eventually correct itself.
“She felt like she had given me the most precious, delicate part of who she was, and I had thrown it in the trash.”
That’s Jonathan Daugherty speaking there, and the she he’s referring to is his wife. He’d just confessed to her that he was addicted to pornography and had had multiple affairs. The revelation left her devastated and curled up in a fetal position. The shame of his behavior left Jonathan suicidal.
Fallout like that is not unique.
Wives, when you were dating, it was probably easy to see the best in your husband. But at some point after you said, “I do,” did you discover yourself taking him for granted?
It happens. But you can make choices that will get your relationship moving in the right direction more quickly.
I think you’ll be inspired and encouraged toward a stronger marriage with our radio program today, “How to Have a Happier Husband,” featuring a conversation with popular guest Kathi Lipp.
Some people over fifty see the aging process as the glass being half empty.
Some see it as half full.
Then there’s the comedian I once heard who saw the glass as twice as big as it needed to be.
Stuart and Jill Briscoe use the glass analogy as a way to describe what they call their “realistic view of aging.” The top half is completely empty, and the bottom half is completely full.
Aging is an undeniable fact of life.
“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.”
That verse is Genesis 2:24. It’s usually referred to in the context of marriage. But Pastor Ted Cunningham pointed out to me that it actually begins as an observation about parenting.
It declares that a man will leave his father and mother. The verse assumes that our children will leave home as an adult, not as a child who must then set out on a journey to become a grownup on their own.
A church in England has created a wonderful video, “This Is About That,” that illustrates some of the ways marriage reflects the gospel – and it’s definitely worth watching. Take a look:
I hope the truths expressed in this video help inspire you in your walk with Jesus, and in the ways you work to honor marriage in your life and community.
“We were doing all the right things. We knew each other’s love languages. We went on date nights. We spent time away, just the two of us. We thought we were doing all the right things and yet, infidelity became a part of our story. That’s when we realized it wasn’t a lack of big things that were robbing us of intimacy. It was all the deeper emotions under the surface that went undiscussed that pulled our hearts away from each other one centimeter at a time.”
That’s how Mark and Jill Savage describe their marriage’s slow descent into a dark abyss of infidelity and near-divorce.
Whether it’s our marriage, parenting or our profession, it’s common for us to get so consumed in our own little world of trouble that we forget that every problem we face has, in some form or fashion, also been a problem for prior generations.
Nowhere is this more true than in marriage. In fact, in doing research for my book, Marriage Done Right, I reviewed plenty of old pamphlets and books that were full of marital advice.
I hope you’ll join us for our radio program tomorrow and Thursday when we’ll be talking to Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, about their journey with God and each other.
Through an award-winning career in music and the ups and downs of real life, Steven and Mary Beth say they feel “between heaven and the real world.” That phrase has become something of a caption to their lives. Pointing out God’s grace in the midst of a very troubled world is what Steven has tried to accomplish throughout his music career.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
