Daly Focus Blog
The tingles can get you married. They can also get you divorced.
Dr. Gary Chapman has heard a lot of couples in premarital counseling talk about “the tingles” – that emotional flutter we feel when we’re attracted to each other.
“The tingles” play an important role in forming romantic relationships. They turn a simple hello into a lunch date, and before long the couple is so inseparable they decide to get married.
But the tingles fade.
In 1969, The Brady Bunch became the first sitcom in television history to depict what was then a new trend in America: a blended family. Mike and Carol Brady, who both had three children from previous relationships, strived hard each week to – as the theme song said – “somehow form a family.” Most of the problems they faced were humorous and easy to resolve in 30 minutes.
Unfortunately, things are rarely that simple in real life.
Author Kari Trent Stageberg – daughter of psychologist and author Dr. John Trent – and her husband, Joey, coach couples toward greater health and connection.
They say there’s a moment in every marriage that permanently changes the relationship. It’s called the “merge moment.” It occurs when husbands and wives realize their differences have the potential to drive them apart.
“Merge moments” are like two rushing rivers crashing into one another. They can be noisy, messy, and unpredictable.
I’ve heard that if couples are married long enough, they start to look like one another. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I think couples do often look like the other couples they hang out with.
It may feel more comfortable to be friends with someone who’s just like you, but you’re depriving your marriage of a great chance to grow. Maybe the couple you spend the most time with is also newly married, or is raising teenagers, or is retired.
It’s easy to overlook the importance of small compromises. They seem so insignificant. But small compromises eventually turn into big compromises that take us further than we want to go and cost us more than we ever thought possible.
That dark reality is captured in a movie from the early 1960s called Judgment at Nuremberg. The film dramatically portrays the military tribunal that prosecuted Nazi leaders accused of crimes against humanity during World War II.
Spencer Tracy plays Judge Dan Haywood, who leads the trial.
Did you know:
55% of married Christian men look at porn monthly.
1 in 10 view porn daily.
71% of those who view 7+ hours of porn weekly report some kind of sexual dysfunction.
More than half (56%) of divorce cases involve a spouse having an obsession with pornographic websites.
Mark and Rosie Makinney’s family was nearly destroyed by the poison of pornography. They now help other couples discover the good news that God can heal, restore, and redeem anyone who turns to Him for help.
Would you like a happier marriage? If so, then you have a choice to make.
In fact, you have seven choices to make.
According to studies, couples disagree almost 2,500 times per year, which averages out to seven times a day. That’s seven opportunities every day to drive your relationship further apart. Or to draw it closer together. Which one depends on you. Literally. You get to choose.
You see, a lot of couples fall prey to the myth that their conflict is the result of their differences.
The secret to success isn’t avoiding failure. It’s learning from your mistakes and continuing to move forward.
The television series Alone is a survival competition where participants survive alone in the wilderness for as long as possible. Contestants are given minimal equipment and must build their own shelters, start their own fires, and find their own food. The physical demands are brutal.
One of the contestants, Colter Barnes, lost 86 pounds over 67 days in the wild and had to be medically evacuated.
Why did you get married?
For your spouse?
Or for yourself?
Be honest. You got married because the relationship made you happy.
Don’t feel too guilty. The rest of us probably did the same thing. We thought life with this person would make our lives better. And while that’s not entirely selfish – God wants us to enjoy our marriage to our spouse, after all – many couples spend their first years of marriage chasing individual interests.
I’m reminded of a story about a hunter who owned an unusual bird dog. While other dogs barked, pointed, and fetched birds, this one walked on water. The hunter was so excited to show off his dog’s remarkable ability that he invited his friend on a hunting trip. Each time they shot a duck, the dog ran across the top of the water and fetched the bird.
For hours, the two men hunted. Yet, the friend never commented about the dog’s unusual ability.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
