Daly Focus Blog
Do most men know the difference between love and sex?
A lot of men assume they have that distinction pretty well settled – until they realize the lines are more blurred than they thought, and their marriage suffers because of it.
The fact is, struggles related to sex and intimacy within a marriage are one of the top reasons we’re contacted here at Focus on the Family. So it’s an important issue for us to address.
Several weeks back I shared a few thoughts relating to a two-day broadcast we were airing. It was about the sexual abuse many women suffer in childhood, and the pain that follows them into adulthood.
But sexual abuse isn’t a trauma only girls face. It’s also common to boys as well — and it’s terrible for every victim.
Boys are told they shouldn’t cry. Men are supposed to be tough. They’re strong; they’re conquerors. But what do those messages imply to a boy when he has been overpowered and victimized?
When Dawn left home, her sexual abuse ended, and she thought, “It’s finally over.”
But it didn’t take long for her to discover the ugly truth – the aftermath of her abuse was just getting started.
Female sexual abuse can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss. But keeping it quietly hidden in the shadows so the rest of us can breathe a little easier is precisely the kind of secrecy that keeps so many victims trapped in their pain.
One of our nation’s leading Christian publishers conducted a survey asking respondents to name the most influential book they had read in the past year. A startling number of women – Christian women – said “Fifty Shades of Grey” was their favorite book of the year.
Why is that so noteworthy?
Because the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books are a written form of pornography, plain and simple. It’s a book series that’s become nothing short of a cultural phenomenon, having sold more than 100 million copies in just a few short years.
My wife Jean always knows when I’ve taped a broadcast with author and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman.
It’s uncanny. I’ll walk through the door and, inspired by my time with Dr. Chapman, I’ll ask her something like, “What’s one thing I could do to help you today?” And she immediately knows who I’ve spent time with.
And that’s how God uses Dr. Chapman. He’s a relationship expert, and he helps couples create and maintain an emotionally safe environment in their marriages that is conducive to positive growth.
Does it surprise you that, in a recent poll, Christian women voted Fifty Shades of Grey to be their favorite book of the year?
In some ways, we shouldn’t be shocked, after all, we have an Enemy who is determined to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). Because his desires are rooted in his hatred for the image of God, he attacks our most intimate and meaningful relationships with fierce intensity. After all, the union of husband and wife potentially produces more human life created in God’s image.
I tried this little exercise once and found it revealing. Maybe you’d find it helpful as well.
It works like this:
Write down everything you do in a typical week. Among other things, your list might include working at your job, enjoying a hobby, or tinkering with projects around the house.
Next, place a check mark by the items you do out of obligation, and a heart by the activities you do from a sense of passion.
Last month, a Duke University freshman made headlines because she chose to pay for her college education by appearing in adult movies. This young woman defended her decision to become a porn star via an article where she wrote, “I have never felt more empowered or happy… I am in control of my sexuality.” According to this student, it is “how the world should be.” As Christians we obviously disagree this is how things should be – but sadly, her view on sex is how things are for far too many college-aged women.
The New York Times recently ran an article that explored the premise that couples in egalitarian marriages had sex less frequently.
So how is a union defined as “egalitarian?”
According to “Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?” it’s where husbands and wives “share the housework and child care, communicate openly and prioritize each other’s careers.”
Researchers found that couples in these types of marriages have sex 1.5 fewer times a month than those who subscribe to more traditional gender roles.
Fred Stoeker was in the fifth grade when he saw his mom try to kill his dad. She stood behind him, scissors raised, ready to stab her husband – a serial adulterer – in the back.
Fred’s dad was also addicted to pornography.
And although Fred swore he’d never treat women the way his own father treated them … he eventually did.
It’s hard to shake free from the clutches of the bad examples you’ve grown up seeing.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
