Daly Focus Blog
You can’t change your spouse. So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are just two choices:
Stay and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Get out while you can and hope to find happiness somewhere down the line.
Dr. Gary Chapman says there’s a third option: With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, positively influence your marriage by creating possibilities for your spouse to change his or her behavior.
Theresa had a stroke 18 years ago. She lost control over her hands. Which means for all these years she’s struggled to do simple things in life, like styling her own hair. That’s why when she goes to the beauty salon, she leaves with a smile. She feels beautiful.
The trouble is, as soon as she washes her hair it falls flat, and she can’t get it to look the way her stylist does. Which means, until her next hair appointment comes around, Theresa doesn’t smile as much.
My wife and I approach recipes differently. Jean has a degree in biochemistry. She’s smart and sees life as a series of precisely calculated moves. To her, recipes are a detailed road map to be carefully followed. If the instructions call for one cup of flour, she’ll measure exactly one cup. She’ll even use a knife to scrape off the excess.
I’m more of a free spirit with recipes. I don’t see them as “a roadmap to follow” as much as “a few things to keep in mind.” I kinda, sorta measure ingredients, but not very carefully.
Here’s a tip for a great marriage: have a hearty relationship agreement.
Relationship agreements were a funny plot line in the hit television show The Big Bang Theory. The lead character is Dr. Sheldon Cooper, a brilliant physicist who is so analytical that his personality and social habits are nearly robotic. In one episode, he enters into a romantic relationship with fellow academic, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. But because Sheldon disregards human emotion in favor of logic and reason, he creates a relationship agreement – a very detailed relationship agreement.
I don’t think I’m overstating things when I say that most men have trouble opening up emotionally. Guys put up walls around their feelings for lots of reasons, but the consequence is always the same. They’re disconnected from deeper, more meaningful experiences with their spouse, children, and friends.
Men don’t usually use the word “disconnected” to describe themselves (we prefer descriptors like “lone wolf” or the “strong, silent type”), but as Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” A disconnected man is one who is unaware that he is nonrelational, distant, and emotionally unavailable.
Ron and Opal Erickson call themselves “musicianaires.” Ron is an accomplished steel guitarist, and Opal is an accomplished vocalist. They’ve made beautiful music together for over 40 years, not only as musicians but as a couple.
But they only achieved that because they’ve rebuilt their marriage out of the rubble of a relationship that seemed irreparably broken. Through God’s grace and wisdom, they survived adultery, rejection, and betrayal and created a new marriage forged in trust, love, and grace.
“It’s just like an American to think you invented the family.”
That’s what Dr. Lilian Wahomey, a psychologist in Kenya, jokingly said to me years ago. We were exploring ways Focus on the Family could come alongside families in Africa. Since that conversation, I’ve been to more than 70 countries, but at the time I hadn’t done much international travel, so I wondered if the needs of American couples differed from couples around the world.
So I asked Dr.
Dr. Josh Straub says, “Communication in marriage is overrated.”
What he means is that most couples believe the root of conflict is what they’re communicating about – money, sex, chores, stress, parenting styles, etc. Dr. Straub says conflict is about a couple’s “meta-communication” – that is, how they communicate with each other: their tone of voice and their attitude toward each other.
That’s why couples often can’t remember what they fight about, but they do remember feeling angry, hurt, abandoned, or betrayed after their conflict.
Why does love often fade over the years of a marriage? One reason is that many couples don’t spend nearly enough time having fun and laughing together. They’re so stressed by the daily pressures of making life work that they slowly push laughter and fun to the wayside – often without even noticing it’s happening. Worse yet, a vital piece of the couple’s marriage usually disappears with the fun.
The Greek philosopher Plato once said, “You can learn more about a man in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” I think he meant that fun and laughter can reveal things about a person you won’t notice in routine situations.
A door-to-door salesman from a local cable company once stopped by Dave and Ashley Willis’ house with an offer they couldn’t refuse. At least, that’s how good the offer sounded at first. The man promised his company would take good care of Dave and Ashley and give them the best package at the best price.
However, the deal went south when Dave asked the salesman, “How long is this package available at this price?”
“Twelve months,” the salesman said.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
