Daly Focus Blog
Did God design marriage to make us happy?
Before I answer that, let’s define our terms.
On one end of the spectrum is happiness that’s rooted in pleasure-seeking. Happiness of this sort isn’t necessarily bad, but it does have a shelf-life. It’s like eating ice cream – the dessert is tasty, but the pleasure doesn’t last very long.
On the other end of the spectrum is happiness rooted in meaningful activity, purpose, and deeply-held values that endure.
Jesus could have judged the woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11). She was guilty, after all. The crowd knew it. She knew it, too. And according to the strict law of Moses, she deserved death by stoning.
Rocks in hand, the men dragged the woman through the streets, and asked Jesus for her final verdict. Instead of condemning her, Jesus forgave her.
That story from the book of John is helpful for couples whose marriages have been assaulted by the betrayal of adultery.
Ding, ding, ding! Put your gloves on for round 1!
It’s healthy to disagree. Why? Because nobody is 100% correct 100% of the time. Disagreement improves ideas, charts a new course or corrects an old one, and allows people to see their faults and to grow from them. The trick is to engage in conflict in productive ways.
That’s particularly true for married couples.
With us on our radio program to offer practical guidance for strengthening your marriage through disagreeing are Ron and Deb DeArmond, authors of the book Don’t Go to Bed Angry: Stay Up and Fight.
When Jean and I entered premarital counseling, we were goo-goo-eyed and knew that we were meant for each other. We enjoyed most of the same things and were alike in almost every way.
When we finished our last session a week later, that had all changed. We were both thinking, “Wow, we are nothing alike,” and we were wondering, “Are we going to be okay?”
At some point, every couple begins to recognize their differences. And something strange happens when they do: The whole idea of “two becoming one” gets turned into, “My spouse should become more like me.”
How do couples manage their differences effectively?
One of the most powerful forces God created for humanity exists in the realm of love, sex, and romance. The potential for both pleasure and blessing is virtually immeasurable. So is the potential for destruction.
As a group, Millennials and younger generations don’t tend to believe that. A significant percentage see sex as a purely physical experience. That shouldn’t surprise anyone. From an evolutionary standpoint, there isn’t anything sacred about sex. If there is no God, then sex is strictly biological.
Most couples come into a relationship with a sense of idealism. They’re so much in love and so much alike and so happy.
Over time, though, they discover that they’re really not that much alike – and maybe not so happy, either. That’s when a marriage ends up being all about “me” and “my happiness,” instead of “us” and “our happiness.”
Dr. Larry Crabb says the central problem in marriages like that is “unrecognized self-centeredness.” We ask, “What can my spouse do for me?” rather than “What can I offer my spouse that would make a difference in their life?” Instead of ministering, we manipulate.
Early in their marriage, Dr. John Trent’s wife would get up early and cook him breakfast. One morning, he came into the kitchen and instead of bacon and eggs, he found a book. It was one of John’s textbooks from college.
She said, “Do you remember when you first got this book? You couldn’t wait to read every page. Now you use it as a door stop for your study.” She paused then said, “That’s what our marriage feels like.”
John’s wife had given him a word picture.
Are you an avoider?
A pleaser?
How about a chaotic or a vacillator?
Those are four of the five love styles you and your spouse likely see in your marriage. Their various combinations describe the core patterns driving a couple’s interactions and the problems they cause.
Avoiders and pleasers don’t experience much conflict, but for all the wrong reasons. Avoiders don’t like to have honest conversations because they get messy, and pleasers worry their spouse will get mad.
Mary and Joseph both heard from God about the coming birth of their son, Jesus. But have you ever noticed how differently the Lord communicated that to each of them?
When the angel Gabriel came to Mary to tell her that she would bring the Christ child into the world, Mary asked, “How can this be?” (Luke 1:34, ESV). She wanted to know in what way God’s plans could happen.
Gabriel patiently outlined the full plan: “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.
What is it that God wants out of our marriages?
Do we think about that? We know what we want out of our marriage, and we know what we expect our spouse to provide us. But what does God want?
Well, much of what God wants for you is wired in to you. A woman’s deepest need is to know that her husband loves her. A man’s deepest need is to know that his wife respects him.
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
