Daly Focus Blog
The tingles can get you married. They can also get you divorced.
Dr. Gary Chapman hears a lot about “the tingles.” It begins when couples come to him for premarital counseling, and he asks, “Why do you want to get married?”
However else they answer, one reason they always include is: “We love each other.”
To that, Dr. Chapman asks, “What do you mean, ‘We love each other’?”
After exchanging awkward looks, the couple will usually say something that equates to “the tingles” to which Dr.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. But, boy, is it difficult.
It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about forgiving yourself or forgiving others, forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to us. In fact, our wounds can be so deep, the struggle to forgive can only be described as “desperate.”
That’s how Duck Dynasty’s Al and Lisa Robertson describe their struggle to forgive each other after their marriage ran aground. Their wounds were too deep to heal apart from the strength and the grace of God.
King Artaxerxes commissioned Nehemiah to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Nehemiah and his men set to work with trowels in one hand and with swords in the other, defending against enemies on all sides (Neh. 4:17).
In many ways, married couples face a similar challenge. With one hand, they’re building their marriage, their children, and their careers. With the other, they’re wielding the sword of the Word of God and defending their families against a culture that’s increasingly hostile.
Is there a secret to a happy marriage?
That’s a common question. It’s also a tough one.
On the one hand, who doesn’t want a happy marriage? Everyone walks down the aisle believing they’re committing themselves to a spouse who will fill their life with joy and fulfillment. On the other hand, when couples reach out to Focus on the Family, many are struggling because their marriage isn’t making them as happy as they thought it would.
Wonder Woman.
Batgirl.
Black Widow.
The Invisible Woman.
Wives.
What do all of these women have in common?
Well, they all can be strong and fierce in character. They’re all capable of having bold convictions and standing firmly behind their decisions. Really, the comparisons could go on and on.
There’s really only one difference: Fictional superheroines are esteemed because they stand on their own and lead their lives independent of men.
God never intended Christian wives to do the same.
Every couple walks down the aisle dreaming of love, romance, and a life of happiness together. In fact, our marriage team here at Focus reports that 93 percent of Americans say a happy marriage is one of their chief objectives in life.
And, yet, the statistics also show that a significant percentage of relationships will end in divorce, and about half of those will occur within the first seven years of marriage.
Why? How does the beauty and promise symbolized in a wedding ceremony deteriorate into a failed marriage and the ugly reality of divorce?
When you walked down the aisle, what was your vision for you and your spouse? Did you want a “nice” marriage?
A “friendly” marriage?
A “we get along” marriage?
Probably not.
Most couples are searching for intimacy, connection, romance, and excitement. But years into their marriage, many husbands and wives are bored. Life has settled into a routine – a rut, really – and they’re not connecting like they once did.
If you’ve reached that place in your marriage, you might be thinking, “This isn’t what I had in mind.” The good news is that’s not what the Bible says God has in mind for you, either.
How to spiritually connect with your spouse may be one of the most misunderstood concepts in marriage.
Couples tend to think in terms of spiritual activities they ought to dotogether: Read their Bible, pray, go to church together, memorize Scripture.
Certainly, those are important spiritual disciplines, and they fit the personality of a lot of people especially well. Some couples are so structured they treat devotions like mini-church. They gather together each night, read verses from the Bible, share their thoughts, and close in prayer for one another.
You can’t change your spouse.
Period.
So what do you do if your marriage is in a desperate place?
Many couples believe there are only two choices: “I can stay here and be miserable for the rest of my life, or I can get out of this and hope that I’ll find happiness somewhere else down the line.”
Dr. Gary Chapman says that’s a myth. There’s a third option: “With God’s help and with godly counsel from others, I can choose to positively influence my marriage in such a way that it creates the greatest possibility for my spouse to choose to change their behavior.”
The idea that you can change your spouse is a myth.
Did you know that researchers can predict with almost 95-percent accuracy whether a couple’s marriage will succeed or fail?
Their predictions are based on how a couple fights – not how frequently the couple fights or even what they fight about, but howcouples engage each other in conflict.
Researchers discovered four elements to marital conflict that are destructive to a relationship. Dr. John Gottman calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
Wouldn’t it be great if couples could avoid the Four Horsemen and use conflict to invigorate their marriage rather than allowing it to burn up their love life?
Jim Daly is a husband, father and President of Focus on the Family and host of its National Radio Hall of Fame broadcast. His blog, Daly Focus, is full of timely commentary and wisdom designed to help you navigate and understand today’s culture. His latest book is Marriage Done Right.
